(no subject)

[gala_apples]

life, the universe, and everything:


i hope everyone is as blessed as i am. recently there was a meme about going back and telling your highschool self to do things differently. i am proud of every choice i've made. more then that,

it's hard to explain. in sci fi they say going back to change time is the most irresponsible thing you can do. the only ethical reason to do so is to change the apocolypse, and even that isn't always smart. meddlers aren't appreciated. changing the past means changing the future, killing everyone and everything and every IDEA that existed after the nanosecond the person changed time.

to go back to my high school self and change something, yes, it would kill everything. but ultimately a person is self-serving. it's a sad thing, but a irrevocable Truth, every person's world revolves around themselves. it's impossible for it not to be. people aren't human without self concept, and self concept means seeing the world from your point of view. so i'm not so concerned about killing everything as killing myself.

i strongly believe of all the infinate alternate universes the i that my brain is situated in got the best deal. all the shit i've experienced, i wouldn't want anything different. because it all built up to what i have now. the last three years have been the best experiences i've ever had, and if even one thing had changed because i went back in time to make it change, i wouldn't have the ultimate life i have now. and knowing what i have, i would be the most idiotic person to change it. it goes beyond being happy or being fulfilled. i genuinely feel the person i am now is who i am meant to be.

i have vague ideas of how i believe the world runs, and came into existance. i say vague because i have strong ideas, but they're non-denominational. for the most part what i personally hold as truth can fit into the larger scheme of any organised religion. and regardless of if there is no ultimate being, or if it's the catholic god, or the mormon god, or buddah, or krishna, or any other (and i'm aware there are thousands i've not named), the world keeps on existing. and i'm happy to exist in the world i do.

i'm a nineteen year old virgin. i've kissed no boys, made out with a drunk close female friend while her boyfriend was across the room, and been in a pg13 orgy. i identify as a lesbian, though i'm much more open to any sexuality when i'm intoxicated. but i don't care if i ever have a girlfriend or boyfriend, or polygamous relationship. i don't need it. i have the two people i need to exist. if i didn't have them, i couldn't exist.

one is currently really depressed because he made plans to have a guys night with a group of friends he had before he met the two of us. they all bailed. the other friend, i, and an ex-boyfriend of the first were going to a comedy club. x texted the ex to say he had been bailed on. the ex wanted to go pick him up so he could spend the night with us. the ex accused us of not caring. i didn't say anything at the time, i was vaguely offended but didn't want to ruin the night with a fight. but i thought about it while i was trying to fall asleep, and figured out why i appeared to not care. it was because i either needed to be casual, or i'd care too much. because today i thought about x being depressed, and my first thought was to go and murder the bailing friends. no joke, no exaggeration, if they hurt him, they deserved to die. it was utterly black and white in my mind.

several boyfriends ago there was an ugly break up. unfortunately the ex (b), worked on my way to school. every morning i'd be going to school, and i'd start twitching as i passed his fast food workplace. the hatred for him was so automatic and engrained it didn't even have to think about it, my body just reacted. it's not often that a physical reaction comes before a mental reaction. physiologically speaking it's a rare thing. but my need to protect x is so pervasive in my psyche, that i hated b to the point it went above a mental reaction. it reminds me a lot of the stories of mothers lifting cars to save their infants. they don't need to think about saving the baby, their body just does it.

last/current/last (it's a very complicated and ugly story) boyfriend, we both knew he was being hurt. i had the same hatred. my other friend had the same reaction. y talked about burning the guy's house to the ground. i thought it was a joke, until he started researching gas prices, and what's the best sort of accelerant to use.

x hasn't been in the same place that he's had to protect us, but i have no question that he would. the other friend and i were talking about something, and it somehow came to what would happen if i and x went to prison. y said he would prostitute himself until he raised the money for bail and lawyers. and he was serious. i fear getting raped. not for my own body, although i know several people it has happened to, to know that it would irrevocably screw up my life. what i really fear is what x and y would do, and the consequences of what they did.

what we have is so beyond a friendship. there are hardly words for it. x and i haven't discussed how we see it, but y and i have. i find it interesting that there are no words in normal vocabulary that can explain what we have. my term is from 1960's science fiction, y's is from 1980's horror. we have something that doesn't exist in words, only in other author's minds.

to me it's groking. the book is called "stranger in a strange land" by robert heinlein. the basic plot is people travel to mars, and a human baby is brought up with martian ideals. he comes back to earth and gathers a following. the mc has trouble explaining concepts in english, and one word cannot be transposed, that of grokking. an earth born follower at one point describes it as "Grok means to understand so thoroughly that the observer becomes a part of the observed—to merge, blend, intermarry, lose identity in group experience. It means almost everything that we mean by religion, philosophy, and science—and it means as little to us (because we are from Earth) as color means to a blind man". wikipedia goes on to explain it slightly more as 'things that once had seperate realities become entangled in the same experiences, goals, history, and purpose'.

to y we're a katet. this is a phrase used in the "dark tower" series by stephen king. i haven't read the series yet, although i have collected several of the books. ka is the force that causes a destiny to happen, but is not necessarily impossible to surpass. it's not necessarily good or evil, it can be manipulated by both sides, and has no definate morality. a katet is "a group of people brought together by ka, a group of people tied together by fate."

what we have is amazing. i'd say about one percent of society has what we have, possibly less. to me there's no point in existing without them. y has said he wants to move to california, when i got upset he seemed surprised that i would even think he'd go without the two of us. x's mother has described us as soulmates. love might not be a word that's said unless we're high, but it's there. this couldn't exist without love.

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