(no subject)

[gala_apples]

i wrote this email to thermidor, but i think it applies to everyone.

i know i'm ignoreant. i know i did something dumb. i know that most people on that comm, i know most people in general have nothing to do with it.

it's just, i want to be another person. i honestly hate almost everything i've ever done or said or been. if i knew that reincarnation exsisted, i would kill myself in a second. as long as it took to shoot myself full of insulin. my mom is diabetic, we're poor so we stock up when we have any money, so we can still eat when we don't have any.

i just want to be someone else. and thats what toni did, she became someone else. and i understand. and i love her.

and everyone was yelling at her, and it was like they were yelling at me. and it hurts. it hurts so badly.

so i just wanted to yell back. it was dumb, and i yelled at people that had nothing to do with it. and i was cruel and stupid. and i KNOW im a bad person for doing that. just, sometimes when you feel like such a peice of crap, it's nice to blame it on people.

i understand. you have every right to never speak to me again. i don't think anyone really wants to talk to me anymore. i don't even want to talk to me. jesus, if only there was some way to know that i wouldn't be in even more pain if i ended this set.

i'm sorry snoy, i'm sorry pp. i'm sorry everyone. i'm sorry for just existing.

Comments

[hpsauce.livejournal.com]

Staci.

I want to speak to you, although, being the insensetive dumbass that I am it probably doesn't come across. I understand what you mean about wanting to be someone else...I can say I sympathise which is why I couldn't side with all those saying things about the girl because I understand about people wanting a different persona and about things going a bit out of control.

Really, though, you shouldn't apologise for your existance. At times it may seem that you mess things up or that it would be easier just to be someone else or to shoot yourself full of insulin...the thing is, sweetheart, I'm glad I've chatted to you on eljay over the past few months and I'm glad that you pushed my fic-writing and given me a friend to talk to (I tend not to tell people when i'm feeling crappy, I'm a bottler, but you've cheered me up in the past, and I wish i could return the favour...) and so there is no reason to apologise for your existance, because I'm sure it's not just me that is glad that you are alive and on eljay and giving your honest, if emotionally motivated, opinions.

At the moment, I'm kind of afraid, because my minds wuring and really this post isn't helping me reassure myself that you're okay...I just want to know that you'll be alright...and, bugger it, now I'm crying too :*(

Hope you're okay

-Kayem

[thermidor.livejournal.com]

I sent you email. *hugs*

[x-kid.livejournal.com]

fuck 'em all, just be whoever the hell you want to be. whether you want to hate yourself or love yourself, do it. you want to be sad forever, DO IT. if not, change. drop everyone around you that makes you feel bad, and just get over it. stop thinking about others and focus on yourself for once. take control of yourself in whatever way you can, wether its cutting yourself to shreds, or trying new things, or just stopping to think things over again. don't start at the beginning, start at the end. start with yesterday and work your way back. don't focus on the bad crap, write it down. or, instead, focus on all the bad shit, and go, "fuck am i retarded" and then dont do it again. leave the people that make you cry. stop calling them. change schools [lol im so subtle] and just say "fuck 'em. they make me hurt NO MORE BANISHED LOL!!!111111] and thats that. focus on yourself and change who you are. nobody is going to say, "oh staci here let me re-vamp your life and make you happy" its just not going to happen. so pretend that you're the queen of france and treat yourself that way. feel like eating a box full of twinkies? do it. feel like running 10km but KNOW that you'd never be able to do it? do it anyway. just keep going. good or bad, just keep going untill you stop thinking, because you're all thought out. feel like freaking out because of anxiety? DO IT. and then cry and scream and forget everything. fall back and start over again, hundreds of times. be sad, be angry, get it all out, then do it again untill you physically cannot cry or scream anymore. THEN LAUGH AT HOW STUPID YOU MUST LOOK, AND NOT CARE. someone cares that you look retarded? FUCK 'EM. you don't need them, you need yourself. but before you can learn to need yourself and yourself only, you have to find out who the fuck you are and hate yourself for so much and love yourself for so much more.
theres only so many regrets you can have before you start to sound stupid to yourself. mistakes are mistakes. they're over and its your choice to dwell on them. if you want to dwell, good, do it. if you dont, good, dont. its not going to change the world whether you think something bad about yourself, because later on you'll probably just look back on it and be like, "wtf mate?"
if you want to die, do it. go through agony just to do it, oblivious to the fact that yes, even YOU can get over it.

[swtjemz.livejournal.com]

honey,

never ever apologize for your existence. You are a beautiful person. it's understandable that you ranted. every one has that right. and you've explained why you felt the need to. it's okay to rant and rave. we're not going to stop talking to you just because of that. we are your friends and we do care about you tremendously.

I am glad that we've met and chatted and got to know each other. you make me smile when I was feeling down and quite low with your refreshing turn of phrase and attitude.

I am here for you if you ever need to talk. Seriously. email me, talk to me, find me online....I'm here.

[divinereverie.livejournal.com]

Honey, come back ♥. You really shouldn't have been wanked for this. Honestly, there is no reason for it. You are a person with a small flist. I would really like to know WHO on your flist tipped off fandom_wank, because no one would have found it otherwise.

Don't apologize. You were voicing your feelings. Apparently, whenever someone voices anger that they don't agree with, it's wanky. But they're allowed to be bitchy and mad all they want.

You said absolutely nothing wrong. I might have chosen another word, but you know what? Perhaps because they're feeling guilty about the general attitude towards people and the general attitude towards them is the reason that they have to attack hard and fast and first.

Remember, this is your journal. YOU CAN SAY WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT IN YOUR JOURNAL. Anyone can. I could go over to my journal and say that I think everyone in an invite-only community kissed ass like no tomorrow to get in there. It doesn't make it true, but it doesn't make it not true either. It would be just my statement. It doesn't matter. I don't particularly care about getting into them anyway.

But there was no reason for them to attack you. No reason. You did NOTHING wrong.

*loves her gala* Come on and talk to me baby.

[thermidor.livejournal.com]

I would really like to know WHO on your flist tipped off fandom_wank, because no one would have found it otherwise.


I have to totally agree there. I don't know which is worse, that someone on her flist tipped them off or that someone trolls LJs looking for wank.

I've emailed Gala privately, but one thing I didn't say that I likely should have is that people who go trolling for wank really suck.

I have no idea who you are

[(Anonymous)]

But trust me, after you've been wanked a few time, it only tickles.

PS.
Killing yourself isn't the answer to anything.

Writing kinky hot Bill the Pony/Donkey from Shrek slash isn't the answer either, but DAMN! it's more fun!
;-)

[charlotteschaos.livejournal.com]

No, you were just angry. That's understandable. I was just trying to explain that I don't think that's why she did it. Ignorant was the person who put this on FW to start with, and added your post. Just be you, it's honestly the most defiant thing you can do. *hugs*

[kenboy.livejournal.com]

For what it's worth:

Wank happens. It's not a big deal. It doesn't matter if you're friended by 1,700 people or 17 -- if you say something wanky, or comment on a high-profile wanky topic, someone's going to see it, and it's going to get mocked somewhere. Sometimes, it'll be on fandom_wank.

It's not exactly like winning an Emmy, but it's not really like being put on Mister Blackwell's Worst-Dressed list, either. It's like a metaquotes for the bitter old ficfandom queens (and kings).

Don't get so upset by it; don't cry over it; for God's sake, don't start counting the amount of insulin you have on hand because of it. It's just the internets, and it's not such an awful thing once in a while to be reminded that nothing you say online -- even if it's flocked, which of course this wasn't -- is truly private.

Seriously, don't sweat it. Another 24 hours, and everyone's going to be all riled up over someone else's boneheaded comment somewhere, possibly even this one. It happens to all of us eventually. In the end, you'll probably meet and friend some new people over all this. Look at it as a growth experience, and don't take any of it too seriously.