(no subject)
Aug. 22nd, 2005 06:24 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
gala_applesi don't like talking about real life. i find it usually has nothing to do with fandom.
but i sorta need some love. this isn't one of those stupid tell me why i'm awesome posts. i dont want to brag. i don't like bragging.
the two last times i felt like this,
one was science class grade ten. every class i would sob without moving for the entire hour class. do you know how much more depressing it is when no one even looks at you long enough to see you're wretched? so i wrote a note about how crap i felt. and it was either give it to my dad, or take a bit too much of my mothers diabetes medication.
the other time was when my mother was instutionalised. i remember things fading out, and then i was in the bathroom in the basement, scratching at my hands, screaming because the skin wouldnt bleed enough. he had to call in a crises help line.
i feel like it again. and why? because from every friend i have contact with, i've heard how fun this party was. and i didn't go. vince didn't phone to invite me, no one cared about me enough to invite me. they're all having fun and making friends, and here i am, doing.. i dont know what im doing. nothing worthwhile. i really do feel like just stopping things. i KNOW it would wreck my parents. i KNOW it isn't revenge when you're dead. i KNOW THERE ARE A HUNDRED REASONS WHY I SHOULDN'T.
but the main factor is i live my life to have relationships. i don't want money, i don't want a boyfriend or girlfriend. i just want someone that cares about me enough to want to see me at points other then when they can't avoid it. and i DONT HAVE THAT.
FUKC.
but i sorta need some love. this isn't one of those stupid tell me why i'm awesome posts. i dont want to brag. i don't like bragging.
the two last times i felt like this,
one was science class grade ten. every class i would sob without moving for the entire hour class. do you know how much more depressing it is when no one even looks at you long enough to see you're wretched? so i wrote a note about how crap i felt. and it was either give it to my dad, or take a bit too much of my mothers diabetes medication.
the other time was when my mother was instutionalised. i remember things fading out, and then i was in the bathroom in the basement, scratching at my hands, screaming because the skin wouldnt bleed enough. he had to call in a crises help line.
i feel like it again. and why? because from every friend i have contact with, i've heard how fun this party was. and i didn't go. vince didn't phone to invite me, no one cared about me enough to invite me. they're all having fun and making friends, and here i am, doing.. i dont know what im doing. nothing worthwhile. i really do feel like just stopping things. i KNOW it would wreck my parents. i KNOW it isn't revenge when you're dead. i KNOW THERE ARE A HUNDRED REASONS WHY I SHOULDN'T.
but the main factor is i live my life to have relationships. i don't want money, i don't want a boyfriend or girlfriend. i just want someone that cares about me enough to want to see me at points other then when they can't avoid it. and i DONT HAVE THAT.
FUKC.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2005-08-22 05:54 pm (UTC)You know that we, all of us in vanillaskyy, do care about you. And that you deserve so much out of life.
Whenever you feel like that, come to us and talk to us. Because we are here if you need to talk, confide, be silly, read fics, or whatnot.
*LOVES*
(no subject)
Date: 2005-08-22 06:00 pm (UTC)Sweetie, I am so sorry you are hurting. I think you are so very fabulous & am glad to know you. Let me know if I can help in anyway, ok?
(no subject)
Date: 2005-08-22 06:42 pm (UTC)