(no subject)
Feb. 3rd, 2009 01:09 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
gala_applesmourning Sam, and how this relates to borderline personality disorder
so i was upset because jason told me some things. one of the things jason told me was that i cared too much about fandom and gay sex. part of it's just the basic fandom is fun, guys like lesbians why can i like gays? but it goes further then that. a lot.
because i've always wanted to be a guy. even down to simple stuff like picking the male avatar on a video game, or not liking books with a female MC. the things the classic women talk about piss me off. everyone in my class talks about getting married and getting pregnant and fucking hairstyles and makeup, and it drives me up the wall. fandom women are different, it seems like they have a bit more of a male perspective on life, maybe that's why they're attracted to writing male pov fanfiction? i know how sexist it sounds, but in my viewpoint women are generally annoying and stupid. every time i cry i get mad because i hate being like a stupid wimpy girl.
now, i've taken enough sociology and psychology and development classes in high school and college to know that just because you're a woman doesn't mean you have to act like you've been socialised to. i've done all sorts of essays on sex vs gender, and stressed the importance of teaching children that regardless of sex, you can behave however you want to. i guess i never wanted a child to grow up feeling like i feel, that you're supposed to act this way because you have a vagina & vulva, and you don't understand why it's not working. when i do meet a woman that doesn't piss me off, i still don't know how to act in relation to them, because i feel like they have all these qualities i should have (because we're both female) but i don't, and i don't know how to act.
and then things get even more complicated, because sexual orientation comes into play. and for some reason the only thing that makes sense is boy/boy. when i recognise that i have a female body, i can picture kissing a boy, even oral, but penetration makes me naseuas. when i recognise being female, i can also imagine eating out a girl, but don't want it to happen to me. but if i don't think about me as a participant, it's always male/male. and i think it's because i just don't like the idea of having a vagina. it's gross.
as a writer i spend a lot of time thinking anyway, but i've got this image of who i should have been. he looks so nice, i wish i could have been him. and it's realistic, besides the part where it never can happen. he's still got zits, he's still fat, he's not got a ten inch dick. he's just another guy. but sometimes i cry because i want to be him so badly, and it just can't happen. i imagine all the ways my life would be better if i was him. i try not to think about it, because there's nothing i can do.
i have two male best friends, and when i'm happy enough i can forget i'm a girl, and just be one of the guys. and then i remember something like if vince wanted to go to club 200, i couldn't go with him. and i feel sad, of course, but my first reaction is always shock. because it just doesn't seem right that i can't hang out with all the rest of the males.
i'm not sure i'll ever have sex, to be honest. not just because my looks are fairly unappealing (thinking realistically, not trying to put myself down) but because i can't make it seem right. i *rolls eyes* made an appointment to lose my virginity months ago, and called him about two hours beforehand to cancel because the idea of a cock in me was revolting. the fact that the guy was fairly creepy and told me not to tell anyone where i was going, and wouldn't tell me where we were going to go was besides the fact, it was just het in relation to me was gross. and i could get with a female, but i don't want them to do anything to me, i only want to do stuff to them. i just want to have gay sex, and i can't.
and there are a lot of reasons i'm fat. it's hereditary, i have two obese parents. i can't stand most textures so i have an extremely limited menu and most of those foods are unhealthy. i don't see the point in solo excersise when i could be doing something creative like writing or making something. and i don't want to do group excersise, a sport or something because i have horrid memories of people hating me in high school for failing when i was on their team, and i can't handle that. but i think another reason is because when i'm so fat, i don't have a feminine body. i have breasts, but so does a fat man. i don't have curvasious hips, or an hourglass figure, i have fatty hips and stomach. and i can't see my bits because i have a potbelly. being fat takes away the visual aspect of being a woman, and it's a huge relief.
i just found out a few hours ago that a portion of people with borderline personality disorder have gender dysphoria. i've never felt guilty for not wanting to be a woman, so i can't say finding out was a relief. but it certainly helped things in my life make a little more sense.
so i was upset because jason told me some things. one of the things jason told me was that i cared too much about fandom and gay sex. part of it's just the basic fandom is fun, guys like lesbians why can i like gays? but it goes further then that. a lot.
because i've always wanted to be a guy. even down to simple stuff like picking the male avatar on a video game, or not liking books with a female MC. the things the classic women talk about piss me off. everyone in my class talks about getting married and getting pregnant and fucking hairstyles and makeup, and it drives me up the wall. fandom women are different, it seems like they have a bit more of a male perspective on life, maybe that's why they're attracted to writing male pov fanfiction? i know how sexist it sounds, but in my viewpoint women are generally annoying and stupid. every time i cry i get mad because i hate being like a stupid wimpy girl.
now, i've taken enough sociology and psychology and development classes in high school and college to know that just because you're a woman doesn't mean you have to act like you've been socialised to. i've done all sorts of essays on sex vs gender, and stressed the importance of teaching children that regardless of sex, you can behave however you want to. i guess i never wanted a child to grow up feeling like i feel, that you're supposed to act this way because you have a vagina & vulva, and you don't understand why it's not working. when i do meet a woman that doesn't piss me off, i still don't know how to act in relation to them, because i feel like they have all these qualities i should have (because we're both female) but i don't, and i don't know how to act.
and then things get even more complicated, because sexual orientation comes into play. and for some reason the only thing that makes sense is boy/boy. when i recognise that i have a female body, i can picture kissing a boy, even oral, but penetration makes me naseuas. when i recognise being female, i can also imagine eating out a girl, but don't want it to happen to me. but if i don't think about me as a participant, it's always male/male. and i think it's because i just don't like the idea of having a vagina. it's gross.
as a writer i spend a lot of time thinking anyway, but i've got this image of who i should have been. he looks so nice, i wish i could have been him. and it's realistic, besides the part where it never can happen. he's still got zits, he's still fat, he's not got a ten inch dick. he's just another guy. but sometimes i cry because i want to be him so badly, and it just can't happen. i imagine all the ways my life would be better if i was him. i try not to think about it, because there's nothing i can do.
i have two male best friends, and when i'm happy enough i can forget i'm a girl, and just be one of the guys. and then i remember something like if vince wanted to go to club 200, i couldn't go with him. and i feel sad, of course, but my first reaction is always shock. because it just doesn't seem right that i can't hang out with all the rest of the males.
i'm not sure i'll ever have sex, to be honest. not just because my looks are fairly unappealing (thinking realistically, not trying to put myself down) but because i can't make it seem right. i *rolls eyes* made an appointment to lose my virginity months ago, and called him about two hours beforehand to cancel because the idea of a cock in me was revolting. the fact that the guy was fairly creepy and told me not to tell anyone where i was going, and wouldn't tell me where we were going to go was besides the fact, it was just het in relation to me was gross. and i could get with a female, but i don't want them to do anything to me, i only want to do stuff to them. i just want to have gay sex, and i can't.
and there are a lot of reasons i'm fat. it's hereditary, i have two obese parents. i can't stand most textures so i have an extremely limited menu and most of those foods are unhealthy. i don't see the point in solo excersise when i could be doing something creative like writing or making something. and i don't want to do group excersise, a sport or something because i have horrid memories of people hating me in high school for failing when i was on their team, and i can't handle that. but i think another reason is because when i'm so fat, i don't have a feminine body. i have breasts, but so does a fat man. i don't have curvasious hips, or an hourglass figure, i have fatty hips and stomach. and i can't see my bits because i have a potbelly. being fat takes away the visual aspect of being a woman, and it's a huge relief.
i just found out a few hours ago that a portion of people with borderline personality disorder have gender dysphoria. i've never felt guilty for not wanting to be a woman, so i can't say finding out was a relief. but it certainly helped things in my life make a little more sense.
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(no subject)
Date: 2009-02-04 09:37 pm (UTC)all my comments are too rambly and not to the point
and i'm not sure if you want people ranting at you about their similar experiences
or trying to find some way to help you when they've always been pretty shit at sorting out their own problems
and i want you online so i can be a better listener...
*hugging*
(it seems to me, though, that a lot of this is due to body confidence. but sadly i have to way to send that to you in the post - and i'm really not sure where people get it from - maybe trying to look at the parts of you that are attractive...because darling, thinking that saying you're 'fairly unappealing' is not putting yourself down is fooling yourself...)
(no subject)
Date: 2009-02-04 09:43 pm (UTC)you need someone who will appreciate you, compliment you, make you feel appealing - not someone with whom you can book a convenient fuck.
a good lover would make you feel better about your body, even if it isn't what you think of as your ideal.
that may be me being a true romantic (guilty as charged, and still waiting for my mr-or-miss-right) but, at the very least, darling, make sure it's someone with whom you share a mutual attraction and who will appreciate you.