gala_apples (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
gala_apples) wrote2012-02-22 02:51 am
gala_apples) wrote2012-02-22 02:51 am
(no subject)
So my three tweets today were:
My mother is insane. That's all there is to it. (at 5ish)
holy FUCK, glee. (first commercial break after 7)
today was the worst day. wooooorst. (2am)
THESE ARE ALL VERY CONNECTED.
So things started off sorta silly. I was getting a drink from the kitchen, and after I got the glass my mom told me to close the cupboard. I shrugged it off and started pouring my drink. Then as I left the room she was like CLOSE THE CUPBOARD.
I said something to the effect of 'why, closed doors are for hiding mess. Everyone in the house already knows we're messy' and then I went back to the computer, because no big deal.
Except BIG DEAL. She stands and slams the cupboard door so hard that my dad hears it across the house. He shouts "what's going on?" as he gets up to go to the kitchen to see. I'm like OH, DIDN'T YOU KNOW THE WORLD IS GOING TO END IF THE CUPBOARD ISN'T CLOSED? IMMEDIATE APOCALYPSE because I get sarcastic when me and my mom have issues.
So then we both seperate, like we normally do when we don't like each other, we just sequester in different rooms and don't talk for a day to 3 weeks depending on the severity of irritation. My poor dad.
But then Glee happened, so I came out to the dining room to say HOLY CRAP GLEE on twitter at the first commercial. I can hear my mom arguing that I have no motivation in life, so I scuttle back to my room and didn't come out until 9. My mom was in her room with the door closed, so I went to talk to my dad because it was safe/I don't give a shit if we don't like each other, but I feel bad when my dad (the parent I love) gets in the middle.
He was kind of furious at her, saying that if she kept talking crap he'd have her committed (which is plausible. She has been before, and she still sort of self harms [scratches until callouses form] and is on a few different meds) so I was like "...what did she say?" She can get pretty nasty, so I sort of braced for it.
Apparently I am dead to her.
She also said that I better get a job by the end of March because I was to be out of the house by April 30. My dad apparently flat out told her no. So she then said she was leaving if I didn't. My dad said no again, and that's when she went to her bedroom.
So from 9-10.30 I panic, because a) JOB b)apartment c)if I actually do leave the house because of her my dad would be furious enough to actually try to get her committed. It would be baaaad, all around. At 10.30 I went to the kitchen to get another drink but I'd been having a panic attack so I was kinda woozy. My dad saw this on his way to the bathroom, so he told me to go ask mom for help. I was like "0.o THIS IS POOR STRATEGY, SIR" but I went in, saying "he told me, I can leave if you want". but she let me sit down.
Then she proceeded to tell me about how grandpa neglected her and grama abused her, because great grandpa abused grama (emotionally, not physically, as far as I know). I always knew she had issues with grama, she moved out at 16, and I've gathered from my dad that grama was an alcoholic but I didn't know the extent that she told me. And apparently she 'doesn't understand me' and that's why she acts the way she does.
Then we talked about her suicide attempts. And my suicide attempts. And how much daycare fucked with my head, and while it seems like I'm lazy and reluctant to get a job, I really just burst into tears and sob for hours opening my resume to edit it, and then I lay awake at night thinking about how much easier it would be if I got into a car accident and got disability because no one will ever want to hire me. Allll this really heavy emotional shit.
And why I always have to disrespect her. I was like I DON'T. DO YOU SEE HOW OFTEN I CALL DAD AN ASSHOLE? DO YOU THINK I MEAN THAT? I'm a flippant person, it's how I roll. He gets it, why can you never see when I'm joking? If I thought you were serious about the cupboard, like if you'd said "Close the cupboard, I am getting annoyed" I would have CLOSED THE GODDAMN CUPBOARD. but it was a joke, until she was suddenly losing her shit, and then it was too late!
And it was just all very emotional and overwhelming and UGH UGH UGH.
But brbb is due next Wednesday, so I will repress and write.
My mother is insane. That's all there is to it. (at 5ish)
holy FUCK, glee. (first commercial break after 7)
today was the worst day. wooooorst. (2am)
THESE ARE ALL VERY CONNECTED.
So things started off sorta silly. I was getting a drink from the kitchen, and after I got the glass my mom told me to close the cupboard. I shrugged it off and started pouring my drink. Then as I left the room she was like CLOSE THE CUPBOARD.
I said something to the effect of 'why, closed doors are for hiding mess. Everyone in the house already knows we're messy' and then I went back to the computer, because no big deal.
Except BIG DEAL. She stands and slams the cupboard door so hard that my dad hears it across the house. He shouts "what's going on?" as he gets up to go to the kitchen to see. I'm like OH, DIDN'T YOU KNOW THE WORLD IS GOING TO END IF THE CUPBOARD ISN'T CLOSED? IMMEDIATE APOCALYPSE because I get sarcastic when me and my mom have issues.
So then we both seperate, like we normally do when we don't like each other, we just sequester in different rooms and don't talk for a day to 3 weeks depending on the severity of irritation. My poor dad.
But then Glee happened, so I came out to the dining room to say HOLY CRAP GLEE on twitter at the first commercial. I can hear my mom arguing that I have no motivation in life, so I scuttle back to my room and didn't come out until 9. My mom was in her room with the door closed, so I went to talk to my dad because it was safe/I don't give a shit if we don't like each other, but I feel bad when my dad (the parent I love) gets in the middle.
He was kind of furious at her, saying that if she kept talking crap he'd have her committed (which is plausible. She has been before, and she still sort of self harms [scratches until callouses form] and is on a few different meds) so I was like "...what did she say?" She can get pretty nasty, so I sort of braced for it.
Apparently I am dead to her.
She also said that I better get a job by the end of March because I was to be out of the house by April 30. My dad apparently flat out told her no. So she then said she was leaving if I didn't. My dad said no again, and that's when she went to her bedroom.
So from 9-10.30 I panic, because a) JOB b)apartment c)if I actually do leave the house because of her my dad would be furious enough to actually try to get her committed. It would be baaaad, all around. At 10.30 I went to the kitchen to get another drink but I'd been having a panic attack so I was kinda woozy. My dad saw this on his way to the bathroom, so he told me to go ask mom for help. I was like "0.o THIS IS POOR STRATEGY, SIR" but I went in, saying "he told me, I can leave if you want". but she let me sit down.
Then she proceeded to tell me about how grandpa neglected her and grama abused her, because great grandpa abused grama (emotionally, not physically, as far as I know). I always knew she had issues with grama, she moved out at 16, and I've gathered from my dad that grama was an alcoholic but I didn't know the extent that she told me. And apparently she 'doesn't understand me' and that's why she acts the way she does.
Then we talked about her suicide attempts. And my suicide attempts. And how much daycare fucked with my head, and while it seems like I'm lazy and reluctant to get a job, I really just burst into tears and sob for hours opening my resume to edit it, and then I lay awake at night thinking about how much easier it would be if I got into a car accident and got disability because no one will ever want to hire me. Allll this really heavy emotional shit.
And why I always have to disrespect her. I was like I DON'T. DO YOU SEE HOW OFTEN I CALL DAD AN ASSHOLE? DO YOU THINK I MEAN THAT? I'm a flippant person, it's how I roll. He gets it, why can you never see when I'm joking? If I thought you were serious about the cupboard, like if you'd said "Close the cupboard, I am getting annoyed" I would have CLOSED THE GODDAMN CUPBOARD. but it was a joke, until she was suddenly losing her shit, and then it was too late!
And it was just all very emotional and overwhelming and UGH UGH UGH.
But brbb is due next Wednesday, so I will repress and write.